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I Miss My Dad

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Det her indlæg er et af de mest personlige jeg nogensinde har skrevet. Og som jeg altid siger, når jeg starter på disse slags indlæg: Jeg skriver det ikke for at få medlidenhed. Eller opmærksomhed. Men for at bearbejde noget, håbe på, at nogen måske kan relatere til de følelser eller oplevelser jeg har at dele. Min far er syg. Og jeg vil ikke gå i detaljer med det, for jeg vil gerne respektere ham, og jeg elsker ham. Men han er syg på en sådan måde, at han ikke længere er som han var, og ikke længere opfylder faderrollen, som jeg savner helt inderligt. Min far var en fantastisk mand. Han var chamerende, karismatisk, sjov, smuk, kærlig, skidegod at snakke med og opmuntrende. Der var ingen, der kunne få min selvtillid op som ham. Han var et karrieremenneske, der arbejdede rigtig meget, så han var tit væk hele dagen, men han var stadig en fantastisk far, og vi havde mange muligheder og fantastiske oplevelser som familie på grund af det. Det er frygteligt at se en person man elsker blive så syg at den person der var før nærmest forsvinder, indtil det slet ikke føles som den samme person mere. Og det er først når man mister noget, at man kan se hvor meget det betød for én. Alle kampene vi har taget for at få hjælp, alle de gange jeg har været sur på ham over alt det der er sket, alle de gange jeg har fået dårlig samvittighed fordi jeg ved, at han ofte ikke kan huske hvad han selv sagde for fem minutter siden. Mest af alt det jeg savner, og det der gør så ekstremt ondt. Den gang jeg var fars pige, den gang han kom med sine lange snakke og fortalte mig hvor fantastisk jeg var og hvor meget jeg kunne, den gang han hjalp mig med de ting jeg ikke selv kunne forstå. Men mest af alt bare det, at have den faderrolle i mit liv, som jeg nærmest kan blive helt jaloux over, at andre piger har, fordi jeg bare savner det så meget. For det meste er det ikke noget jeg tænker over, for min far er her jo stadig, og min mor er så god en mor så jeg ikke føler jeg mangler noget. Men det betyder jo ikke at jeg ikke savner det! For hvor ville jeg bare gøre alt for, at min far blev som før.

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This entry is one of the most personal ones I have ever written. And as I always say when I begin one of these kinds of entries: I am not writing this to be pitied. Or to get attention. But to get something off my chest, hope that someone will maybe be able to relate to the feelings or experiences I have to share. My dad is sick. And I do not want to go into details with how and what has happened, because I want to respect him and I love him. But he is sick in such a way that he is no longer as he used to be and is no longer like a father to me, which is what I miss so deeply. My dad was a fantastic man. He was charming, charismatic, funny, beautiful, loving, amazing to talk to and encouraging. There was no one like him who could push my self confidence up. He was a carrier man who worked a lot, so he was often gone all day, but he was still an amazing dad and we had a lot of opportunities and amazing experiences because of it. It is horrible to see a person you love become so sick that the person who was there before almost disappears until it does not at all seem like the same person anymore. And it is not until you loose something that you can really see how much it actually meant to you. All the struggles we have been through to get help, all the times I have been mad at him because of everything that has happened, all the times I have felt so bad because I know that he often can not remember what he said five minutes ago. Most of all is everything that I miss and it hurts so much. When I used to be daddy’s girl, when we would have our long talks where he would tell me how amazing I was and how much I could achieve, when he helped me understand things I could not. But most of all just having a father role in my life which I can actually become jealous of when I see other girls having that because I just miss it so much. Mostly it is not something I think about because my dad is still here and my mum is such a good mum that I do not feel like I need anyone else. But that does not mean that I do not miss it! Because if I could tell you how much I would do anything for my father to become like he used to be.

Skærmbillede 2015-08-19 kl. 23.04.24

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