Goodbye Childhood

I dag skal jeg skrive om noget personligt og svært, men noget jeg gerne vil dele. Først og fremmest fordi det hjælper at få tankerne skrevet ned, men også fordi jeg håber at nogen af jer kan genkende de følelser jeg har, og fordi jeg altid deler ting jeg elsker på bloggen, og dette er nok det jeg i mit liv har elsket mest. Det er ikke for at få medlidenhed, og det er ikke fordi jeg er ulykkelig, men det er en historie jeg vil dele. Huset på billederne var det bedste, smukkeste, lykkeligste hus i hele verden. Man blev så glad når man trådte ind. Alle elskede at være i det hus. Det var mit hus. Jeg er født og opvokset i det hus, som jeg har boet i, i 19 år sammen med min mor og far, storesøster, lillebror, lillesøster og vores “ekstra lillebror”, Havana, vores elskede Bichon Havanais.

Der var intet bedre sted i hele verden. Jeg var så lykkelig der, og efter jeg flyttede var jeg hjemme hele tiden fordi jeg ikke kunne lade være. Fordi min dejlige familie var der. Huset er et gammelt byhus som er over 200 år. Min elskede mor har lavet alt i det hus. Hun har fået vaskehuset lavet om til et køkken, hun har fået høvlet gulve, hun har plantet hver eneste blomst i haven, hende og min far har gravet kilde ud i baghaven, hun har banket alt det gamle maling og puds ned og kalket hele huset og tusind andre ting. Min mor var en del af det hus, og det var på grund af hende og min fars glade selv at alle elskede at være der. På grund af vores helt fantastiske, lykkelige familie. Se hvor smukt det er! Se den varme, gyldne gule kalk, se de fine, røde vinduer, se de smukke stokroser, se den lille forhave. Hvis I oven i så baghaven med en kilde løbende igennem… Baghaven med den smukke røde terrasse. Mit yndlingssted i hele verden!

Jeg har så mange minder <3 Kørende på cykel med Havana i kurven, de lange sommerdage i baghaven med spisning ved havebordet, med min familie og en masse venner som vi altid havde på besøg, dagene på tæppet i solen, juleaftner med glæde og juletræ og min skønne farmor, de hyggelige vinterdage indendøre med spil og film.

Det hele endte dog meget brat. Den lykkelige kernefamilie blev noget der var engang, og noget der gør ondt at tænke på at jeg aldrig skal have igen. Min far, som arbejdede hårdt og meget, og havde en fantastisk karriere, blev for stresset og medicinerede sig selv med alkohol, og derefter ramlede alt sammen, han blev mere og mere syg, begyndte at snøvle, fik en depression, fik angst, fik piller, blev indlagt på psykiatrisk og havde en periode hvor den frygtelige medicin gjorde ham til en anden – og tvang min mor som havde fået konstateret brystkræft – og derfor ikke kunne overskue det hele mere – og mine søskende til at flytte i en lille lejlighed for to år siden. Min far blev i huset, som han var for syg til at passe på, og som blev mere og mere nedslidt.

Jeg savner stadig at have en kernefamilie. Og jeg savner at have min raske far for mig – jeg mangler ham hele tiden i mit liv. Han er flyttet i en lille lejlighed for sig selv nu og er glad og har det meget bedre, men han er stadig mærket af alt det der er sket. Jeg hygger mig utrolig meget med ham, han er så sød og glad og skøn, og hjælper så meget han kan, men selvfølgelig bliver det aldrig det samme som før han blev syg. Og man opdager først hvor godt man egentlig havde det, og hvor lykkelig man egentlig var når man ikke har det hele mere.

Vi er alle sammen glade nu, og vi er heldige fordi min mor blev helt rask og min far har det meget bedre. Og vi er heldige fordi vi har haft den bedste familie, mine søskende og jeg har virkelig haft den lykkeligste, mest perfekte barndom man kunne ønske sig. Grunden til at jeg skriver det her er fordi huset er sat til salg, og det er helt surrealistisk, fordi så længe vi stadig havde det troede jeg på en eller anden måde at alt kunne blive sådan igen selvom jeg godt vidste at det bliver det aldrig. Men nu er det definitivt slut, og det er svært at forstå. MEN vi er lykkelige, for de gode tider kommer ALDRIG dårligt igen, der er INGEN der kan tage vores lykkelige år fra os og de betyder ALT for mig, og det vil de gøre resten af mit liv! <3

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Today I am going to write about something personal and hard, but something I want to share. First of all because it helps getting my thoughts written down, but also because I hope someone will recognize these feelings and because I share things I love on this blog, and this is probably the thing in my life I have loved the most. It is not to get pity and it is not because I am unhappy, but it is a story I want to share. The house in the photos was the most beautiful, best, happiest house in the whole wide world. People were so happy when they stepped in. Everyone loved to be in that house. It was my house. I am born and raised in that house which I have lived in for 19 years with my mum and dad, big sister, little brother, little sister and our “extra little brother” Havana, our beloved Bichon Havanais.

There was no better place in the whole wide world. I was s happy there and after I moved out I was still home all the time because I couldn’t not be. Because my amazing family was there. The house is an old town house which is over 200 years. My beloved mum has done everything in that house. She had the laundry house made into a kitchen, she had the floors planed, she has planted every single flower in the back – and frontyard, my parents dug out the spring to run through the backyard, she has taken down all the paint and plaster and limed the whole house (painted with a chalk-paint). She has laid new tiles in the front yard, painted the fence, furniture living rooms and our rooms. My mum was a part of that house and it was because of her and my father’s happy self that everybody loved being there. Because of our fantastic, happy family. Look how beautiful it is! Look at that golden, warm yellow chalk, look at the pretty, red windows, look at those beautiful roses, look at the little frontyard. If you saw the backyard with a spring running down the yard… The backyard with the beautiful red terrasse! My favorite place in the whole world!

I have so many memories <3 Riding my bike in the backyard with Havana in the basket, those long Summer days with dinner at the garden table, with my family and a bunch of friends which we always had visiting, the days on a blanket in the sun, Christmases with joy and Christmas tress and my beloved grandmother, those cozy Winter days inside with games and movies.

It all ended very sudden. The happy family turned into something that used to be and something I will always miss and wish could be again, and something that hurts thinking about that I will never have again. My dad, who worked a lot and worked hard and had an amazing career became too stressed and medicined himself with alcohol and after that everything fell apart, he turned more and more ill, started to ramble, got a depression, got anxiety, had pills, was hospitalized on psychiatric and had a period where the awful medicine pills made him into another person – and forced my mum who had just been operated for great cancer – and therefore could not overcome it all – and my siblings to move into a small apartment two years ago. My dad stayed in the huse which he was too ill to take care of and which became more and more worn.

I still miss having the perfect family. And I miss having my old dad being there for me – I constantly need him in my life. He has moved into a small apartment for himself now and he is happy and is doing a lot better, but he will never be “normal” again. I have a good time with him, han is so sweet and wonderful and helps me as much as he can, but of course it will never be the same. And you never realized how good you have it and how happy you were until it is gone.

We are all happy now and we are lucky that my mum is completely well and healthy today and that my dad is doing a lot better. And we are lucky because we have had the best family, my sibling and I have had the most perfect childhood one could ever wish for. The reason I am writing this now is that the house is up for sale and it is so weird and wrong because as long as we still owned it I somehow deep inside thought that everything could be like it used to even though I knew that it never will. But now it is definitively over and that is hard to understand. BUT we are happy because the good times will NEVER come back bad, there are NO ONE who can take those happy years from us and they mean EVERYTHING to me and they will for the rest of my life! <3